kelpqueen

ChiZine.com and CZP doing fine, thanks!

Wed, 25 Aug 2010 15:43:09 GMT

Someone on Twitter posted that ChiZine is gone. THIS IS INCORRECT. The individual has no connection whatsoever with ChiZine.com or ChiZine Publications and did not check his facts. Both ChiZine.com and CZP are alive and well, thank you very much. Business is going ahead as usual, including our end of the Fresh Blood contest. We can't speak for Leisure/Dorchester, though.

Check your facts before declaring a business defunct!!! Sheesh.

Suck it, Twilight

Mon, 23 Aug 2010 20:47:58 GMT

Best Twilight-bash of the day:

'"To me, vampires are sex," True Blood‘s Alan Ball had told Rolling Stone. "I don’t get a vampire story about abstinence. I’m 53. I don’t care about high school students. I find them irritating and uninformed."'

How awesome is that???

What, me read?

Mon, 16 Aug 2010 16:11:18 GMT

So today at the office, YET AGAIN, I had a passive-aggressive comment about my reading habits. I was early for a meeting, so I brought a book, because, you know, I READ and shit, and I hate to just sit there staring into space waiting. But I guess that's what the genpop of the world does? Anyway, I'm reading, and this one woman from marketing says, "Sandra, you're such a reader!" You know, that kind of slightly pitying, condescending and mildly passive-aggressive tone, but said in a cheerful voice, to indicate that the person is trying to make friendly small talk with you? And of course never saying anything that you could take them to task for, so you just end up feeling weirdly shitty about something personal, and can't fight back? Yeah, you know what I mean. So I answered, "Yeah, that's what I always heard in high school." Not sure she got the implied insult, but I don't much care one way or another. I WAS tempted to say, "Yeah, I'm a reader. Because I have a giant brain and am easily bored. Making small talk with you before a meeting is NOT going to do the trick, I'm afraid, which is why I brought a book."

I also realized that I don't think a week has gone by since I've been at this job (over 9 years now) that someone has not made some snide remark about my reading habits. Even the ones who are trying to be friendly are kind of condescending. So I say: fuck you all, you people who don't read. I completely and totally judge you. So when I'm smiling at you politely and making asinine small talk with ye of little brain, rest assured that inside I'm thinking: "Jesus, you're an illiterate asshat."

Michael Rowe, you're my hero

Tue, 27 Jul 2010 21:50:38 GMT

Here's what Michael Rowe (our latest CZP author and dear friend) said about Stephenie Meyer and Laurell K. Hamilton: "They are to horror what Velveeta is to cheese."

That, my chummy-chum-chums, is the best line of the month.

Great Joan Jett quotation

Mon, 15 Mar 2010 14:54:55 GMT

So, I REALLY want to see The Runaways. I was looking up some Joan Jett stuff on the interwebs and found this awesome quotation:

"I don't want to lessen my own achievements, but it's just not that difficult [to play in a band]. If you're in good health and like to travel, I don't see why more women don't automatically want to do it."

That's fantastic. I love her.

In other news, up until 4:00 a.m. plus, doing editing for CZP. Yeesh. This full-time day job plus almost-full-time publishing/writing is killing me.

My bad . . . mistake

Fri, 22 Jan 2010 18:13:46 GMT

Will everyone please stop saying "my bad" now? NOW??? This over-used slapdickian phrase was tired back when Buffy the Vampire Slayer was using it. Anyone using it will get a $50 fine from me.

May I just remind you: bad is an adjective, not a noun.

Anyone over the age of 20 who uses it? You get an extra $20 tacked onto the $50 fine, just for being an extra-special asshat.

Evolve Anthology - order now!

Mon, 04 Jan 2010 17:12:51 GMT

A bunch of cool writers, plus me along for the ride, are in the anthology, Evolve, from Edge books. Edited by Nancy Kilpatrick. Check out the website:

www.vampires-evolve.com/

I wrote a poem about a vampire who wants to live on the dark side of the moon. Sadly, not a sparkly Twilight vampire, but you can't have everything.

Spread the word about the antho to all and sundry.

brain and frog knitting

Mon, 14 Dec 2009 17:48:17 GMT

yes, that's right, you heard me:

http://discovermagazine.com/photos/03-the-bizarre-and-brilliant-world-of-knitted-science

How awesome is that???

The Comforts of Murder

Thu, 10 Dec 2009 17:54:09 GMT

Is it just me, or do other people find a nice little story about homicide deeply comforting? I was feeling out of sorts the other day (slip in the snow, wrenched ankle [thought it was sprained at first], back, hip, knee; general winter cold; lack of light; blah blah blah), and I wanted to read something comforting. Often I've turned to Harry Potter or Narnia or hobbits... but more frequently what I find dreadfully soothing is a jolly little murder. Agatha Christie is tremendously soothing. And, at this time of year, she offers up several nice tales of holiday poisonings, shootings and bludgeonings... or even just a theft of an Outlandishly Expensive Ruby ("The Adventure of the Christmas Pudding").

Last night I picked up Darkly Dreaming Dexter again, and nodded off gently after experiencing the joys of the Ice-Truck Killer. Then I switched to an old favourite--Kinsey Millhone's first adventure in A Is for Alibi. Murders! Betrayals! So good!

Lately I've also become very enamoured of Chelsea Cain's Gretchen Lowell/Archie Sheridan serial killer/police procedurals, the latest of which is Evil at Heart. A girl with a knife who knows what to do!

How I enjoy a good killing around the holidays! Perhaps I've always been round the twist...or perhaps I just enjoy order out of chaos, especially in fiction.

Things to contemplate while standing in line for hours at Wal-Mart.

Eat THAT, Anita Blake!

Fri, 04 Dec 2009 19:40:42 GMT

So, one of the funniest things EVER happened to me this morning.

But first--some preamble. I recently took out the latest Anita Blake, Vampire Hunter novel by Laurell K. Hamilton out of the library. It's called Skin Trade. Now, Dear Readers, I have said before on this blog that I can no longer bear Hamilton's books--they're just so badly written. But the first few books were actually pretty good; I'm not entirely clear what happened. Perhaps good old Laurell got so popular that no one could bother to edit her any more? It's a shame--there are other massively popular writers who have still managed to maintain a standard of good writing despite their popularity (i.e. Stephen King, J.K. Rowling). And there are others who were just crap to start with (Dan Brown, John Grisham, I'm looking at YOU). It's kind of disheartening when someone who once knew how to tell a decent story goes down the toilet and becomes a kind of silly, overindulged wanker. You know, after a while I was just reading Hamilton's books for the sex, and not long after that, even the sex got kind of boring. I know Laurell thinks she's all transgressive and edgy, but...not really, hon. Sorry.

Anyhoodle...I was checking Hamilton's website to see if it was as heinous as always (seriously, she had some really tacky and cheap web design going on), but happily (or sadly, since I can no longer laugh at it), it's been changed and actually looks like a professional website now, instead of being an over-the-top sparklefest designed by a goth-obsessed epileptic teenager. So. They had Chapter ! from Skin Trade available for download. So I chortled with glee, and thought, "Ooooh, let's see how bad this is!" and read the first paragraph. Anita Blake gets sent a head in a box by mail! Awesome. I'm actually not kidding. I thought--hey, that's a GREAT place to start a story. So I got the book out of the library, thinking maybe this one would be more interesting than all the crap that Laurell has published lately.

Well, Dear Readers, not so. Not so. Other than the fun line about the head in a box, Skin Trade is just as overblown and badly written as the last 10 books in the series. Ah well. And, so far, there hasn't even been any hot sex to liven things up. And I'm on page 167! How ever will I cope??

I was just going to return the book to the library, but here's the interesting thing--it's actually a very good exercise in editing. Perhaps I've just been reading with a more critical eye lately because ChiZine Publications (http://chizinepub.com) has opened up to unsolicited manuscripts as of last month, or maybe I'm just jaundiced from the get-go. Regardless. I think these books are actually valuable teaching tools. And it's really showing me what I personally should avoid in my own novel.

For example--massive (and I mean MASSIVE) amounts of expository dialogue that just goes on for-fucking-EVER, and then repeats itself at least once or twice, some pages later. It's like Hamilton thinks her readers are going to forget what happens from one chapter to the next. So she needs to repeat everything several times to make sure you get it. So you end up reading the book with this constant sense of deja vu rolling along in your head, which is a strange sensation.

And god knows, Laurell is not a believer in the "show, don't tell" doctrine of good writing. Laurell doesn't show ANYTHING when it involves character interaction or development. She just tells you outright. Or the characters tell each other stuff outright. There's no nuance, no depth. There's a lot of "Here is how I feel this second and you must remember that I feel this way because in book 10, I had this happen to me, as you might remember, because you were there." A LOT of Ron-and-Don-ing. It's kind of embarrassing, really--not doing that kind of crap is Writing 101.

Also, I gotta wonder if Hamilton herself just wasn't told that she was pretty often enough when she was younger or something. Because, MAN, does Anita Blake get told she's pretty. Like, a LOT. But always in some kind of faintly derogatory context. Like a cop telling her, "You're pretty. You're a girl. You're petite. Get used to being treated differently." I mean, okay, that shit happens. Women get treated differently, especially by some men in traditional "guy jobs." But Hamilton REALLY generalizes about gender differences and attitudes in a way that seems out of place in these books. Given that this world, and police forces everywhere in this world, have been dealing with supernatural and preternatural phenomena for some time, but their prejudices have remained exactly the same? There's no growth? For better OR worse? Also, we're like...14? 15? books into this series now, and Anita Blake is...exactly the same. She keeps saying that she's changed, but really...not so much. Her circumstances have changed, and she's physically changed, and she has more lovers now, and blah, blah, blah, but in fact, there's no growth there either. Maybe you want to keep your series character familiar to her audiences and somewhat stable in that sense, but experience changes people in real life, so if you want your characters to have some verisimilitude, they need to change with those experiences. And Hamilton just doesn't accomplish that in any realistic way.

At some point in the reading, I also wondered whether her manuscripts made her editors so tired, they just literally COULDN'T edit them any more. I mean, I was doing a mental slash job on all the silly dialogue and bad descriptions and idiotic language ("I gave him my eyes..."), and god knows, it made ME tired.

Which brings me (fucking finally!) to what made me laugh. I was waiting at the bus stop this morning and reading Skin Trade, like I said. Then, suddenly, a big blob of bird shit fell on the page! Totally missed my head and fell right on page 78! God, that was funny. Especially because most of the birds have flown south for the winter now. So...what are the odds?? Anyway, it was like the universe was saying, "Wow, that Laurell K. Hamilton book is shit. Literally."

I had a smile on my face the whole way to the office.

More Twilight Shame

Thu, 19 Nov 2009 22:12:44 GMT

In the London Times, they posted the top 100 books of the decade. I was curious to see which of them I'd read. Since they rarely put any genre books on those lists, I figured I'd probably have read 2 of the books listed. I was wrong. I'd read 3. Go me! And there were actually other books by authors I still want to read, like Zadie Smith and Salman Rushdie and Ian Rankin. Stuff that makes sense, you know?

But, much to my horror, one of the books listed was...you guessed it. Twilight. I shit you not. I just can't get away from this fucking thing! I actually did a double take. Then I went back to the start of the article--I thought maybe I'd read it wrong. Maybe it was "favourite 100 books of the decade" or "most popular 100" or "whiniest and most melodramatic books of the decade." Nope. Top 100 Best Books of the Decade.

I...just...there are no words. And you know, you can usually rely on the British to have some sense in these matters.

You know what else was on there? The Da Vinci Code. I feel like I have received twin-kickboxers-separated-at-birth blows to the sternum. Call me, JCVD, I need a muscle rub and a hot toddy.

On the bright side, I am getting to see Stephen King tonight, so not all is lost.

p.s. Why is the emoticon for "shocked" a happy face? Weird.

Also this! Bert & Ernie Gangsta Rap!

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 18:27:51 GMT

So delightfully fun!

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=21OH0wlkfbc

Okay, I feel better now...

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:40:23 GMT

...this cheered me up a LOT:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RZwM3GvaTRM

Most depressing thing I have read this month

Tue, 17 Nov 2009 17:27:47 GMT

'HarperCollins has even rereleased "Wuthering Heights," Bella's favorite book, with "Twilight"-themed covers.'
(from a Salon.com article)

Sigh.

Paranormal Activity and Maurice Sendak

Thu, 22 Oct 2009 14:54:03 GMT

Not together, though.

Paranormal Activity was awesome. Monkey and I were afraid to be alone in the house after that. Came very close to sleeping with the light on! Highly recommended. The Vampire's Assistant was actually pretty good too--lots of fun and circus freaks and battling vampires and such. But for kids. Mostly. : )

And, best news yet this week? It seems that Maurice Sendak, when asked what he'd said to parents who were worried that Where the Wild Things Are (the film) was too violent, said that he'd tell them to go to hell. Awesome. Fucking awesome. He is my new best (fake) friend!

Cake

Wed, 21 Oct 2009 19:12:41 GMT

Indulged myself with some cake for my birthday. Yum! Going to see The Vampire's Assistant tonight (got free passes) followed by Paranormal Activity, which has gotten good buzz. A good way to celebrate, methinks.

Saw Poltergeist again recently--I'd forgotten what a really good movie that is--it's well-written, the character stuff is terrific, and there are genuinely scary moments. I also particularly like the parts where the family is at first bemused by what's happening--chairs moving around? Cool! You know, before it all goes to hell. Big scary evil head at the end--a bit hokey. But still--a great little film. Too bad the sequel was so awful. Though of course Scary Preacher Man was the shit.

smiley face, begone

Thu, 15 Oct 2009 19:28:35 GMT

It occurred to me today that emoticons are the equivalent of a laugh track. A laugh track played by some asshole who thinks everything he says is funny, but you're too stupid to get that it's funny, so you need to be told. And by "some asshole," I mean you. And me. [wink! wink! tongue-sticking-out smiley face!]

I think we should have weird emoticons instead. Confuse your friends! (And I'm not talking about the pornolicious emoticons. Good on ya, motherfuckers, who made those up--enjoy your long-faded moment of mild internet fame.) I'm talking nonsensical emoticons. Like if Edward Lear or Ogden Nash were alive today and active on the internets. Wouldn't that be fun? I've taken it on myself to do this.

My favourite that I've made up so far is this--

: : : : )

What is that, you ask? It's a happy spider.

There. Don't forget to credit me when using.

And furthermore...

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:17:55 GMT

...if I see the word "intertextuality" used ONE MORE FUCKING TIME in...well...ANYTHING, I will seriously LOSE my SHIT.

Sick & Tired

Tue, 22 Sep 2009 19:15:41 GMT

Had a massive, crazy falling out with my mother, worst one in a decade. Worse even than some of the terrible moments in Estonia in July. Exhausting. Promptly got sick after that of course...into a nice spiralling misery starting last Wednesday with exhaustion and upset tummy and a bit of fever, culminating with full-on hacking, choking cough, the kind that shakes your body and makes your ribs hurt. That was all day Sunday and yesterday. I lay on the sofa and wheezed. Couldn't get any writing done. Just felt like ass.

I was trying to think of the last time I didn't feel sick or stressed or run down. I have had bursts of happiness, and, don't get me wrong, I've had many of them, but sometimes I feel like after a certain number of blows, you don't really walk upright any more. You kind of crawl along and keep going, and you think that's good, because you don't really remember it being any different.

I wish I could feel lighthearted again. I wish my great-aunt and great-uncle and Brett's stepdad were still alive. I wish things didn't make me so tired. I wish I mattered at my day job.

I wish everything wasn't such a bag of suck sometimes.

Manuscript Critiquing Service from Dorchester Publishing

Wed, 26 Aug 2009 17:12:33 GMT

Check it out:

http://www.dorchesterpub.com/Dorch/SpecialFeatures.cfm?ID=2715

My hubby, Brett Savory, will be one of the editors/critiquers on the above service. And I think I might be doing a few as well. I think it's fairly reasonably priced, given what you're getting.

Anyway, check it out. Spread the word, fellow babies!

Sandra

Stoopid frakkin Nights in Rodanthe

Tue, 25 Aug 2009 20:07:22 GMT

So, on the weekend, I was tired of writing my novel and just need something cheap and cheerful to clear my brain. I wandered downstairs to my dear friend and foe, the telly-vision and checked to see what was on. The Movie Network was just starting up Nights in Rodanthe, some dumbass "romantic" movie with Diane Lane and Richard Gere. Now, normally, I'd be, like, "Gah!" but I couldn't muster the energy for anything with a plot that I cared about. I got out my key lime coconut chocolate dessert thingies, courtesy of Pelayo (thank you!) and settled in with a cuppa for some pap.

Gentle readers, it was horrifying. Well, I expected it to be bad, but I've liked Gere & Lane together before (Cotton Club, Unfaithful), so I thought why not. Foolish me! It turns out this insane garbage was vomited into the world by none other than the vile Nicholas Sparks who brought you such execrable turds as Message in a Bottle--ANOTHER film I ended up watching late one Sunday night out of sheer inertia. So now there's four hours of my life I will never get back, thanks to Nicholas Sparks! Dude, you ought to be ashamed of yourself. I understand that you're writing these novels for women, and that the films are geared toward women, but, motherfucker, I gotta say--I personally do not know one single woman who would not think Rodanthe wasn't a piece of shit. Have you written any books in which the male love interest doesn't die a tragic and untimely (yet noble) death, but it's okay because he taught the woman he left behind To Love Again???? God.

Even Gere and Lane who are pretty likeable in other stuff can't pull this off. Not even the amazing Viola Davis can save it!!! And seriously, the only scenes that zing are when she's on-screen. Why does no one give that woman a real vehicle of her own? Why??? And poor James Franco as dead Richard Gere's son--he looks like he just got out of rehab, but it's probably just the shame of having to speak the idiotic dialogue. Or his shock at having narrowly escaped a CGI mudslide. Who can tell??

Oh, and to add insult to injury, there's the uplifting scene near the end where the wild ponies run on the beach! It's so miraculous! It's so life-affirming! Because the ponies never run that far on the beach! But now they have! So even if Richard Gere has been swallowed by mud in Ecuador or Bolivia or wherever, still, faith and hope and love prevail! And ponies!!! The ponies!! Any person on this planet that thinks this dreck is in any way romantic, needs to be slapped upside the head several times.

Argh. SO pissed I wasted my time. But, as usual, I sat there thinking, "Oh, it can't be as clichéd as all that. They wouldn't really...would they? Nah!" And they do!!! It was like watching a train wreck happening. A deeply, fundamentally, seriously boring train wreck.

Nicholas Sparks, I take my hat off to you. You are now the king of shitty drama in my book. You have topped even Dan Brown. And that takes some doing. (Oh, and whoever the crapass screenwriters & director were? I blame you too.)

Nice review of Animal Bridegroom!

Fri, 21 Aug 2009 15:31:09 GMT

I managed to miss this review by Lara Killian of my poetry collection, The Animal Bridegroom, which is really glowing & nice:

http://www.popmatters.com/pm/post/109276-the-animal-bridegroom/
(it takes a couple of minutes to load, so be patient)

So, thank you, Lara! I'm thrilled. Even better--I don't know her!! : )

Also got good news from Halli Villegas of Tightrope Books--there are very few copies of The Animal Bridegroom left! Exciting! I could be sold out by the end of the year! Order now! : )

Sandra

ChiZine Pubs & WorldCon rocked!

Wed, 12 Aug 2009 20:05:17 GMT

So, despite difficulties with the convention and being left out of the programme book, and then further drama when our book launch got picked up by media outlets, making the hotel freak out... in the end, the convention was a huge success for us. I think we sold about 75% of our stock, and about a third of that on the night of our launch party at the Delta Hotel in Montreal on August 8th. Yea us! The books looked gorgeous, the authors were all in fine form, and I think Brett, Matt Moore (our publicist/web guy) and I kinda rocked the house ourselves. We actually sold out of Claude Lalumière's, Brent Hayward's and Bob Boyczuk's books at the con, and almost sold out of Dave Nickle's. If you haven't seen our lovely books before, check 'em out: http://chizinepub.com.

We have more trade paperbacks available, and we're going to reprint Bob & Brent's books as well.

Also had a great chat with my agent Monica from the Anne McDermid Agency. (I now say "my agent" as often as possible, in a completely unbearable way, you know, like when the newly engaged say "my fiancé.") Anyway, we dissected my upcoming book, other people's books that might be similar to mine, and, more importantly, the lack of giant squid in Watchmen. Vital discussions, fellow babies. Vital.

More con news later!

I HAVE AN AGENT!!

Thu, 30 Jul 2009 20:28:31 GMT

So, oh my god! I sent 4 chapters and an outline of this novel I'm working on to the Anne McDermid Agency. And they signed me. So now I'm scrambling to get it done for September.

But I'm so excited!!! I have agent!

How the fuck did that happen??? : )

sad news

Wed, 15 Jul 2009 16:16:21 GMT

It really seems to be the week of tragedies. My dear friend Jason Taniguchi's mom passed away on Monday. She was a wonderful lady. Heartbreaking. Jason had the kind of relationship with his mother that I always wished for.

And I just got the news that Phyllis Gotlieb died yesterday. She was another amazing lady--and she was a real inspiration to me. Always ready with a kind word and encouragement, or a wry and witty remark. Her poetry and fiction were SO good. Her poem "ms. and mr. frankenstein" remains one of my favourite poems of all time.

RIP, Mrs. T. and Mrs. G. You will both be missed more than you know.